


The Teacher Paradox

by Dark_at_Noon



Series: Operation Lovenest [1]
Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Frodo's parents are dead, I Don't Even Know, I just wanted an AU, I've brought shame to my family, M/M, Matchmaking, My First Fanfic, My First Work in This Fandom, what am i dooooiiing?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2014-11-25
Packaged: 2017-11-25 07:26:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dark_at_Noon/pseuds/Dark_at_Noon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: "I need a modern Bagginshield AU where Bilbo is raising Frodo and is very involved with helping at Frodo’s school, and Thorin is the school principal or something who Bilbo used to date briefly in college but broke up with on somewhat bad terms.</p><p>And they keep seeing each other at school functions because it’s pretty much unavoidable and they start to resolve what happened in the past because they’re more mature now and start to develop feelings again."</p><p>and here it is. Sort of. The bastardized love child of this prompt and my brain, more like. </p><p>25/11/14- this fic is back!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Six Months Ago.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [melekinh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/melekinh/gifts).



> First piece I've written for about a year and a half, so it's a little rusty. I also haven't read lord of the rings, so Frodo and his merry band of hobbits/elf/dwarf will be interesting characterizations. And it's short. But, here, have a bagginshield AU where Merry, Pippin, Kili and Fili are BFF's, and Frodo angsts for most of the first chapter.

The first time Bilbo Baggins met Thorin Durin (called Oakenshield by his team mates) they were twenty one and twenty four respectively, both of them pursuing teaching careers at the local community university, and a mutual friend (well, Thorin’s cousin), Bofur had forced the two of them to stand and make small talk at a school dance neither of them wanted to be at. The resulting relationship lasted four years, six months and twenty four days. Needless to say, It ended rather badly, and Thorin returned to Scotland cursing the name of Baggins, and Bilbo settled into a job at a second strand boys school where he could teach children who actually understood the difference between William Shakespeare and e.e cummings.

But, fate being the irresponsible douchebag it was, left the two of them alone for four years, and then returned in the form of Bilbo’s nephew, Frodo.

Because really, that’s where the story begins.

It begins on a cold, dark winter night, when Drogo and Primula Baggins make the fateful choice to go on a cruise around France, and leave their fifteen year old son with Drogo’s cousin, Bilbo. After their untimely deaths, Bilbo was left with a choice: Scotland, or transporting an emotionally shattered and perpetually moody kid to Manchester.

They moved to Scotland.

***

The severance pay notice was crushed in Thorin’s hand as he walked home; scowling so hard that old ladies and women with pushchairs crossed the road to avoid him. He fumbled with the key, which only ceased to irritate him further, and threw his coat across the room as hard as he could. Muttering under his breath, he pulled a long neglected bottle of whiskey from a cupboard and took a swig.

“Thorin, what do you think you’re doing?” You could almost taste the disappointment in Dis’s voice.

“I lost my job. That fuckin’ Smaug. ‘I think we could benefit from a headmaster who actually _cares_ about the kids’ shit. Apparently he’d do a better job.”

“You’re telling me that you lost your job to Richard Smaug?”

“Yes, Dis, that’s what I fuckin’ just said.”

“Temper, temper. Well, I mean, there’s other jobs. Like, er, we could ask the boys! I bet that they have an opening there, the teachers are always getting fired for doing drugs or sleeping with the students”

Thorin raises an eyebrow. “You’d like me to work at Erebor Comprehensive? Didn’t they kill a teacher there once?”

“Oh, yes, but that was years ago, and it means the place has a little history. I’ll ask Finnegan or Killian when they get home”

An angry sigh and then: “Fine. I got a glowing referral from Tranquil, so there’s no harm in trying.”

“That

“That’s the spirit! Put the whiskey back, now, I don’t want you to drink yourself into a stupor”

“I’m thirty three years old!”

“Aye, too old to be such a baby. Give it here.”

“No.”

“Give it here, Thorin.”

“No.”

A pause, and then a scream of pain rang out through the house. Dis was not one to be crossed.

***

Meanwhile, in a home not so far away, Bilbo Baggins was attempting to shepherd Frodo into the house. It wasn’t working very well.

“Can’t we just go back to Manchester? I liked Manchester.”

“No, Frodo,” Bilbo sighed “we’re living here now. Pick up that box.”

“Uncle Bilbo! You’re a teacher! You read the education reports. Erebor Comp is just going to _reverse_ any learning I do!” Frodo argued back, knowing his uncle was notorious for giving in if you mentioned his job.

“It’ll be fine, Frodo. I’ll be teaching there, so we can both get a –“

“There isn’t even a _headmaster_ ”

“Stop being so dramatic and pick up that box.”

“Uncle!”

“Box. Now.”

Frodo made an irritated noise and scooped the box up. He made a point to slam the door behind him.

“Er… Excuse me? Mr. Baggins?” the tentative voice came from behind him with what was unmistakably a Scottish accent.

“Yes? Ah, you’d be Sam, eh? I’m Bilbo, come along lad.”

Sam looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. “Into your house, sir?”

“Yes,” said Bilbo exasperatedly. “How else do you expect you’ll meet Frodo? Come on.”

They walk into the house –Bag End, how pretentious- and Bilbo calls for Frodo. He’s answered with the boys scowl in the living room.

“Frodo, this is Sam Gamgee. He’s your guide to the area.” Bilbo doesn’t think it will sit easily with his nephew if he says _assigned friend._

“I’m supposed to show you around” Sam looks a little less scared now.

“I don’t need a babysitter.”  Frodo spat babysitter like it was a dirty word. Bilbo sighed.

“I’ll go make some tea. You two… er… get to know each other, I suppose.”

Bilbo was having a Bad day, capital B. He’d wanted to move to Aberdeen as much as Frodo, he hadn’t wanted to leave his cottage and the job he’d had since he graduated from teaching college, since – Fuck, Aberdeen. Home to the Durin’s. Bilbo nearly dropped the kettle on his foot and has to refrain from cursing every single god he can possibly think of, and using every swear word he’s ever learnt.

_Thorin Durin._

Literally the one regret Bilbo had was either wasting half a decade with Thorin, or was it not spending another half a decade (and more, so many more) with him. Bilbo shook his head to clear his mind. There was not a chance in hell that Elrond would have somebody like Thorin teaching at Rivendell- he’d be fine. Best not to let those memories – _god, so many memories_ \- get the best of him. All Bilbo can think is _I really need a smoke_ , but he stopped smoking when he was twenty six, after he got awful cough after awful cough. He rubs his eyes and fills the mugs he’d procured during his freak out, using his shoulder to open the door and then almost punches the air when he sees his nephew and the Gamgee boy taking like old friends – thank god Frodo hadn’t murdered Sam while he’d been panicking in the kitchen- and sets the mugs down in front of them.

“You two alright then?” he asks, and Frodo nods.

“Yes. Sam’s just telling me about what happened to the French teacher last year- Did you know a teacher got murdered at Erebor Comp?” He says eagerly.

“Well, it was off school grounds…” Sam trails off when he sees Bilbo smile.

“I did hear. If you survive there, Frodo, promise you won’t kill any teachers. That’s a lot of paperwork I’d have to fill out, and I doubt Sam wants to help you hide a body” Frodo’s grin grows wider and he winks – _winks!_ Is this Sam a miracle worker? - At his uncle.

“No promises.”

Bilbo is still laughing when he reaches the hall, only to be turned around by Sam’s call of goodbye. Bilbo and Frodo both wave, and when the door shuts behind Sam, Bilbo turns and smiles at his nephew.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” he asks

“No, I suppose the people around here aren’t as inbred as I was led to believe." Frodo turns and walks back inside, closing the door after him, and locking his uncle out. 

"Of course they're not- Frodo! Frodo open the door now!"


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically I can't write relationship breakups.

The sign was defaced. Instead of reading Erebor Comprehensive Learning it read Boring Comprehensive. Wow, though Thorin. So witty. So clever. His nephews grinned at him. 

"So? What d'you think?" Killian -Kili- asked, blowing messy dark hair out of his eyes. 

"It’s a bit shit, but it's a good enough school." Finnegan -Fili, curse his sisters sense of humour- added. 

Fili and Kili were seventeen and fifteen respectively, joined at the hip (the neighbours talked about it all the time) and were rarely separated. They were considered a bit odd -Fili's braids and Kili's, well, Kiliness made sure of that- but they were both good looking and friendly kids, part of a quartet that often came across as inseparable. 

Pippin and Merry (Philip Took and Marcus Brandybuck) were waiting for them, gangly, awkward limbs splayed out across the stairs that led to the double doors (missing three window panes, the fourth defaced with what looked like a cat’s eye and "Sauron waz here" in pink spray paint),grinning maniacally at Thorin and his nephews. 

"Fili, Kili, over here! Check out what we've got!" Pippin had a voice that carried and Thorin internally cringed at Pippin's ink stained shirt and slashed up tie.   
Fili and Kili hurried over, and Thorin walked past the four of them, and into the halls of hell. 

He reached the reception area and spoke to the secretary (Tauriel Mirkwood) before gingerly opening the door to his new office.   
To put it bluntly, it was a fucking shithole. Graffiti covered the two walls without water damage. The light let off sparks. It smelt like piss and marijuana. The desk had no legs and the chair was obviously the source of the smells. Thorin dragged a hand through his hair. His old school had been nothing like this. They wouldn't even have dreamed about having a room like this in existence. But, thought Thorin bitterly, beggars can't be choosers. He could clean and he could wield a hammer, so he'd start his stint as principal by making this room habitable. Then, the school. He'd probably have to kill half of the students to even achieve a quarter of that goal.   
Three and a half hours later (or, four detentions, one teacher/student relationship complaint, two cases of pregnant teenage girls being harassed and a kid coming in with a stapler related injury that Thorin would rather not think about), the office was fixed. Sort of. The desk had legs and the chair had been burnt by Pippin and Kili (who had both come across as overly enthusiastic about getting to douse something in petrol and set it alight without consequence), the walls had been cleaned and replaced with plywood in places, and the air smelt like "Mount Gundabad glacier forget-me-nots" (Tauriel's perfume).   
Thorin already hated this job, and it was ten am.   
Within the next hour, he spoke to six separate sets of angry parents yelling about sports teams? Class placements? He couldn't remember, and a woman named Jolene who seemed to think Erebor Comprehensive was a brothel, and wanted to apply for a job.   
By eleven thirty, he was contemplating killing Richard Smaug and wearing his skin to escape Erebor Comp.   
At twelve, things got really bad. He had to show some kid named Frodo (*Frodo*) and his uncle around the school, and they were fifteen minutes late. Tauriel had spent the whole time texting her boyfriend, and painting her nails various different colours, but apparently doing no actual work. Thorin questioned his sanity. At half past twelve, Tauriel lent into his office. 

"That kid and his dad are here. You still sulking?" she asked. 

"It’s his uncle, Tauriel. And I'll be right out." Thorin replied, resisting the urge to slam his face against the (admittedly rickety) desk 

"Whatever. Do you mind if I light up a smoke, or are you all anal-retentive about that shit." Tauriel smiled at him, revealing luminous white teeth (no way in hell could those be natural, Thorin thought) as she lit up a cigarette (Pall Mall). 

Thorin waited four minutes, put his best composed teacher face on, and walked into reception. 

"Good Afternoon," he said, "I'm Thorin Durin, the headmaster here. You must be Frodo" the boy shook his hand. 

"Yeah, I am. Erm, this is my uncle, Bilbo Baggins." he said.

Thorin felt his blood run cold, then hot, then back to sub-Antarctic. 

"Well, it's nice to meet you too, Mr. Baggins. It's a pleasure to have your nephew here at Erebor Comprehensive."

Bilbo must have looked as bad as Thorin felt, pale with a weak smile on his face and he shook Thorin's hand with the air of somebody wishing they were currently having a vasectomy. 

"Yes, you too." he said faintly. 

The tour was the most uncomfortable thing Thorin had ever suffered though in his life, but Frodo's enthusiasm blocked silence. He was particularly enthusiastic about what had happened to Madame La Reine last year, and most of the tour was filled with babble about murders and, strangely, Sam Gamgee. Thorin didn't want to know.   
After Bilbo and Frodo (God, what a ridiculous name) left, Thorin sank down in the stool that he'd been allocated after the chair burning, put his head in his hands, and thought about Bilbo Baggins. To be specific, he thought of the happy days with Bilbo, lazy days in bed, Christmas at their flat, meeting Bilbo's family, moving into their flat together- the same flat in which Thorin had totally, royally, majestically fucked up.   
***  
It was Christmas Eve, their fourth together, and they'd gone to Bofur and Bombur's Christmas party together. Kili and Fili -and Thorin's cousin Gimli-had run amok and smashed glassware, while Dis had stood next to Frerin and talked non-stop about the fact she was having a girl, finally this time around. Bilbo had been amazing, charming people left and right, listening intently, and just generally being the perfect boyfriend. Thorin had sloped off, gotten drunk beyond belief and accidentally confused Ori and Bilbo. Nothing had happened, just Thorin drunkenly attempting dirty talk -probably saying things like "I wanna sex you up, halfling"- and Dwalin hauling him home before he embarrassed himself further.  
The next day, Christmas itself, Bilbo had woken him up, helped him make breakfast, and then, cup of tea in hand, asked him very politely why he'd said such rude and sexual things to poor Ori. Within fifteen minutes they'd been involved in a screaming match, and Thorin had called Bilbo a "frigid, wanton whore", which made no sense whatsoever. Afterwards Thorin had stormed out, and when he'd returned two hours later Bilbo - and his things- were gone. Within a week Dis had been seriously injured in a car accident, and Thorin forgot completely about Bilbo while he helped his sister as she got better. By the time Dis was better, Bilbo and Thorin had both graduated and there was no foreseeable way for Thorin to contact Bilbo. Until, that is, now.


	3. Wait do these show up in the actually story, or do I just see them?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frodo makes friends, Legolas speaks like Thor, and Fili and Kili make an entrance. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to: eaivalefay  
> Because I didn't think of that at all.

It was raining, again. Frodo considered drowning himself in a puddle. No, bad idea, go to school instead, hopefully get knifed in assembly. Clever Frodo. If he was lucky, Sam would be there before him. If he wasn't, he'd probably be left to the mercy of the Orcs, Erebors very own football team. He stepped into a knee-deep puddle and groaned.

 

Frodo arrived at school, absolutely sodden, frustrated and mildly homicidal.

To make matters worse, Sam was not at school yet, and Frodo was forced to lurk in the library, listening some twelve year old girls talk about Legolas Greenleaf, his party this weekend and their intentions to gate crash, or else face the Orcs. Frodo sincerely hoped they'd succeed; Legolas Greenleaf had some very devoted fangirls. Well, he HAD been sincerely hoping they'd succeed, until they started talking about him.

 

"Frodo Baggins! The new boy. Sammy's friend. Curly black hair, sort of short?" says the girl in the left, pushing a blonde plait over one shoulder.

 

"Oh, him. I thought he was Sam's boyfriend." asks one of her friends, a certifiable midget who, Frodo notes, has glittery butterfly clips holding her hair back.

 

"Don't be stupid, Alice. My brother doesn't have a boyfriend. They're just mates." The first girl twirls the plait around her finger.

 

"If you say so, Daisy Gamgee. I don't believe you. You're a liar." Alice is pouting now, and she looks about five.

 

"Sod off, Alice. You're a tart." Daisy spits out.

 

Alice -much to Frodo's happiness- tries to storm out and walks right into Legolas Greenleaf, tripping him up. Alice flushes crimson and sprints away, leaving Legolas dazed on the ground.

Time to make friends, thinks Frodo. Perhaps he can warn Legolas about his stalkers.

Wading through seas of teenage girls, Frodo reaches Legolas and helps him to his feet.

 

"Are you alright? She knocked you down pretty hard back there." he asked.

 

"Oh, yes, I'm fine. You're Frodo Baggins!" Legolas says, standing up and shaking out his jacket.

 

"Yes, I am. Say, have you seen-?"

 

"Sam Gamgee is in the eastern music rooms, arguing with his friend Merry."

 

"Oh. Er. Music rooms?"

 

"I will escort you." Legolas states, reaching for Frodo's hand.

 

And he does just that, holding Frodo's hand the whole way, despite Frodo reassuring him that, no, really, they don't have to.

 

"Friends! We have been searching for you!" Legolas announces. About ten heads turn to stare at them, and Frodo realises that Legolas is still holding his hand.

 

"Er, Legolas, would you mind, y'know, letting go?" Frodo asks, blushing a shade of red that a tomato could only aspire to reach.

 

"It indicates we are friends does it not? Yes? Then I will not let go!"

 

Frodo decides that Legolas Greenleaf is absolutely batshit.

 

"Oh, you're Frodo!" An arm is slung around Frodo's shoulder.

 

"We've been waiting to meet you!" Somebody shakes his hand.

 

There are two of them, in similar state of disarray, and Sam is glowering at the taller one and Legolas in equal measure.

 

"Er, Sam, I've been...looking for you," he says -lying of course, he was having a panic attack in the library because does he? Is it true? - And Sam beams, all of his previous anger gone.

 

"My mistake, Frodo. I was about to get you, actually. These are my friends; Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Gimli and Boromir. Obviously you've already met Legolas," Sam looks almost proud for a moment. "Merry and I were just talking about something one of the Durin lads said. Your uncle is Bilbo, right?"

 

Frodo nods. "Well, yeah, sort of, it's a bit complicated"

 

"Did he ever, er, have a /friend/ named Thorin, by chance?"

 

Shit, abort mission. He can't lie to Sam, but he promised Bilbo. He just has to be vague. Annoyingly vague.

 

"Might have. I dunno. Maybe. Why?" Frodo says casually-Too casually, Frodo realises.

Aragon, Gimli, Pippin and Legolas watch this interchange with disinterest, while Merry scowls at Frodo sceptically.

 

"Finnegan Durin remembers him. He used to be around a lot. We just wondered-" Merry starts, and then Sam interrupts.

 

"No, you were sticking your nose where it shouldn't be! Honestly Merry!"

Merry looks offended. He opens his mouth to say something (probably, Frodo thinks, about Sam’s uncanny ability to show up out of the blue at your house) but is interrupted by the door flying open and two guys bound in. 

“Ah, Legolas, you brought him. Bloody fantastic!” says the younger, and Frodo wonders if it’s too late for him to turn and run, far, far away from Aberdeen.

“Er, have we been introduced? I’m-“

“Baggins, we know. And we’ve brought you, and the fellowship here,” continues the older of the two, gesturing at the assembled crowd, “here for a very, very important reason.”

“Which is?” asks one of the others (Aragorn? Boromir?)

“We’re all here today, to discuss one very important thing. The former relationship between our uncle, Thorin-“

“You all know him as Mr. Durin. Y’know, the headmaster?” pipes up the youngest, grinning like a mad man.

“and Frodo here’s uncle, Bilbo” finishes the older.

The “fellowship” stare at them like they’ve lost their minds.

“Have you lost your mind?” asks Gimli.

“No, and neither has Kili. The way we see it-“ says the older

“Uncle’s spent ages moping around about it,” his younger brother adds

“Couldn’t shut up after you and him came around for your tour”

“And then we asked mum if we could look at some of the pictures of when he was at uni”

“and there he was, your uncle Bilbo! And then we asked mum’s boyfriend, Dwalin”

“And he said, ‘That was your uncles boyfriend, Bilbo Baggins’!”

“So, we decided that-“

“We’d set them up again!” they finish this in unison, making Gimli shudder.

“So, you’ve gone mad?” asks Pippin.

“Hang on, maybe they’re on to something… Thorin, you said, right?” Frodo frowns. Thorin. The name is familiar-

_It’s his tenth birthday, and his mum and him have gone up to London, to see his uncle. Frodo has a new Gameboy in his left hand, and his mother is reading a book, what was it? Oh, yeah, Sense and Sensibility. As the train pulled into London she’d looked up at Frodo from it and smiled at his pokemon game._

_“Having fun, love?’_

_Frodo nodded “My squirtle just evolved! This is fun.”_

_“Lucky you, this book is awful. Truly, utterly, boring. I’d hoped that the 1800’s were more fun than this” his mother had said._

_They took a taxi through London, and Frodo had been so excited, he’d never been to London before, there were so many people._

_It took ages, so long that Frodo had fallen asleep in the cab, but finally, at last they reached the little building where Frodo’s uncle lived –Bag End, that was cool-_

_His mother knocked on the door, and a man Frodo had never met before answered. He had really blue eyes, and the longest hair that Frodo had ever seen on a man in his life._

_“Er, hello. I’m Primula, we’re here to see Bilbo…”_

_“Ah, you’re Prim. I’ll go get him, alright. I’m Thorin, by the way. Nice to meet you.” Said the man. His voice was deeper than Frodo’s dads.  Uncle Bilbo had come out, shortly after, and Frodo’s mum had told him that he had a hickey on his neck, laughing. They’d gone to a movie, and had dinner, and talked, about school, and pokemon and his Mum’s bakery. By the time they got back to Bag End, Thorin was gone._

“Actually, I do remember him, a bit. Why?” Frodo said, shaking his head to get the image of his mother laughing out of his head.

“You know why, idiot. Anyway, can we? Sammy, _please_?”Asked the younger brother-Kili?-

“Well, I don’t think that it’s a good idea-“ Sam started.

“Come on, Sam, you’re a closet romantic, we’ve all seen the copy of the notebook you keep hidden in your wardrobe.” Pippin smirked.

“Fine. Fine, you do it, but I’m not covering for you. If you get in trouble, it’s all your own problem.” Sam said, blushing brilliant, flaming red.

“I think it’s a great idea, but Sam’s right. We’ve got to do it secret. Top secret.”

And, thus began the “Fellowship” –“It’s a stupid name, I’m not calling it that”- and their very first attempt at matchmaking. It also began Frodo’s very first day at school with friends.

He was just a little confused, when, instead of tossing and turning about what Bilbo’d do to him if he ever found the detailed plans that Frodo had hidden under his mattress, he spent half the night thinking about the exact shade of red Samwise Gamgee had blushed.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to be honest here, Sam/Frodo was my childhood OTP.


	4. A short one (so you can see them? Interesting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frodo and Sam are oblivious, Bilbo is pissed, and there's a cliffhanger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this really quick, so it might have typos, and it's a bit short. Also, for Sam's POV on this bit, there's the spin-off "A Mere Technicality" in the same series.  
> Keep reading (and commenting, even if it's to say that this story is shit, and you hope I die, because I love comments)

Thorin was cross.   
On a scale of mildly irritated Dis to rampaging, genocidal,fire breathing dragon, Thorin was a whole new catagory. In fact, if he got any crosser, he'd probably explode. 

"TOTAL AND UTTER VIOLATION OF MY PRIVACY AND MY RIGHTS. I'VE HALF A MIND TO BEAT THE TWO OF YOU INTO FUCKIN' OBLIVION. FOR FUCKS SAKE, DO THE TWO OF YOU EVER STOP FUCKIN' ABOUT?" Thorin roared. 

"Uncle, please, don't be so mad!" Fili was at least, attempting to reason with Thorin. 

"It was our idea don't get the others in trouble!" Kili had obviously decided to skip reasoning and go straight ahead to pleading. 

Thorin waves the piece of paper in the air. 

" OPERATION LOVENEST" it blares. The title is followed by:   
"a very clever ((and top secret)) plan to get Thorin Durin (hereafter known as Uncle Thorin or Mr. Durin, headmaster) and Bilbo Baggins (Hereafter known as Frodo's Uncle, Bilbo or (''Big B'')  
"By Fili and Kili Durin, Gimli Moria,  Samwise Gamgee, Legolas Greenleaf, Boromir Gondor, Aragorn Strider, Pippin Took + Merry Brandybuck and, our supreme leader, Mr. Frodo Baggins.( With assistance from Ori Khudzul)" 

Fili audibly swallows. Kili stares at his shoes. 

"Y'see Uncle, er, we, um, that is,-" Fili tries to get a sentence out, but he's not sure how he'll justify writing a six page plan to get his uncle in a relationship (plus there is so a clause about sex in there, and fuck, that is embarrassing.)

"Uncle Thorin," Kili pipes up suddenly, and before Fili can stop his brother, Kili lets out a string of words that change the game for good. "Do you believe in love?" 

Fili wants to throw his brother out the nearest window, but their mum won't approve. Thorin looks like he's been punched in a sensitive region and then told the meaning of life. Thorin is going to kill Kili, and then Fili will be left caring for Dis when she's old and grey. 

"Yes, Kili," says Thorin softly. "I do." and then he very carefully sets the paper he'd crunched up in his hand down and walks away. 

Fili wants to kiss his brother, but their mates won't approve. 

"Hang on. Did he just give us permission to-" Fili interrupts his brother with a shout. 

"YES! Operation LOVENEST, phase ONE : ONE has been completed. Next stop, Bilbo Baggins!" Fili crows, punching the air with both fists. "Quick," he adds, "text the others!" 

***   
Not so far away, in quaint little Bag End, Frodo is getting out of a very, very cold shower. What on earth possessed Sam to want to watch /Brokeback Mountain/? It's not Frodo's choice, it's his guests, when it comes to films, but Sam is never ever ever EVER allowed to pick the movie again.   
Frodo towels off his hair and pulls on a jumper and jeans that are just a bit baggy (Just in case, bloody Sam Gamgee) and heads back down stairs.   
The film is over (Praise whatever deity there is) and Sam is waiting patiently on the sofa. 

"Sam-" Frodo starts, and Sam grins. 

"I've had a text message from the Durins'. Phase One:One has been completed. De-briefing in town in an hour." Sam says. 

"Oh. Er. Right. Do you want some tea before we head down, or...?" 

"That'd be great, Frodo, but didn't you say you wanted to go down to the place in town?" 

"Oh. Yeah, okay. I'll just get my, er, coat." Frodo says, and practically runs out of the room. 

Fifteen minutes of coat-hunting later, Frodo and Sam are on their way down the lane to the very tiny, very public teashop (yes, teashop. Frodo is disgusted. Sam is pleased) in the pouring rain. 

"So, Valentines Day on Thursday. Have you got plans?" Sam asks. 

"Er, no. I'll probably just go home and watch telly with Bilbo. We're not big on stuff like that" Frodo says. 

"Oh." Sam almost sounds a little disappointed. 

"But that night is Legolas's party, yeah?" Frodo continues. 

"Yeah. I might ask Rosie Cotton." 

"She's nice, I guess." 

"Listen, Frodo, I-" Sam chokes on his sentence. 

"You what? Fancy Rosie Cotton? I know,  Sam, you just said" Frodo sounds sulky, even to his own ears. 

"No, I-... Frodo, I, er," Sam bottles out mid sentence. "I can see Pip and Merry!" he improvises wildly. 

"Oh. I can see them too. They're early. That's, um, a bit out of character." 

Pip and Merry were early. They both looked a little bit concerned about how early they actually were, because neither of them had ever been early for anything a day in his life. Next to them sat Pervinca Took, a frown on her face and her arms crossed. She held a cellphone in her left hand. 

"Thorin called her." Pip says simply, and Sam and Frodo both do a double-take because that was not the objective of Operation Lovenest. 

"But he... Thorin was supposed to call Bilbo." Frodo says slowly. 

"He did, I'm sure.I'm rather interested by what he has to say." Saradoc Brandybuck is next to his niece, a scowl not unlike Pervincia's on his face. Slowly, more parents trickle in. Hamfast Gamgee, who just shakes his head at the four boys, Thranduil, who brings a traumatised looking Legolas (although Legolas does reach for Frodo's hand, still), a man named Elrond, who looks a bit like Thranduil and brings Aragorn and Boromir, Gimli's father, Gloin, who looks like a biker, a woman called Dis who scares Frodo half to death, and brings Fili and Kili along in her wake, and finally, Bilbo Baggins, who sits down next to his nephew, fury in his gaze. 

"Well," says Dis, "I think we all know why we're here" 

"Yes. And, can I tell you, I'm disgusted." The voice came from behind Frodo, and he shuddered a little bit. 

"Now, Bilbo, let's deal with this in a-" 

"No, Dis, we ought to deal with in the manner it deserves. The boys have-" 

"Made a mistake. They shouldn't be treated like criminals." 

"I personally think-" Elrond began, but was interrupted almost  
 straight away by Dis. 

"And I'm sure that that kind of parenting works perfectly fine, but this isn't even a serious matter"

"I personally think it is, Dis."

"Well, that's lovely, Bilbo, but-" 

"Am I very late? I do hope not." A third voice broke in, and Frodo turned towards the sound, his mouth falling open when he realised who it was. 

"Well," said Bilbo weakly. "It's been a while." 


	5. The surprise guest is not Thorin Durin! (and apologies)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow.   
> I am so sorry about the (four month?) chapter delay.   
> I sort of feel like I should justify my absence, so the reasons this hasn't been updated are:  
> a.) School  
> b.) Lack of inspiration. I almost deleted this back in June, because there is nothing I like about the writing, and wow I hate the way I've written Frodo. So I'm going to be editing and re-working it.   
> c.) Personal stuff.  
> and of course, d.) I started watching a tv show, got sucked completely into it and forgot about this fic (aka my baby)   
> And this is short and awful and I hate it ugh *cries*  
> But, if I do it again, feel free to abuse me on tumblr, at swagwisegamgee.tumblr.com  
> ***  
> Gandalf meddles, a plot actually happens, and Thorin shows up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody (who is going to appear in this fic as of yet)'s names:  
> Dwalin:Dave/ David  
> Balin: Benjamin  
> Oin: Owen  
> Gloin:George  
> Dori: Daniel –Danny  
> Ori: Orville  
> Nori:Nathaniel  
> Bofur:Beau  
> Bifur:still Bifur  
> Bombur:Blythe  
> Fili + Kili: Finnegan and Killian   
> Thorin: Templeton  
> Bilbo: Robert [Bo] William [Bill]  
> ____  
> Aragorn: Allan?   
> Boromir: Bernie   
> Legolas: Luke   
> Gimli: Gimli   
> Frodo: Freddie  
> Sam: Samuel  
> Merry: Michael  
> Pippin:Patrick

The man who’d spoken was not, fortunately, Thorin Durin. He was tall and straight backed, with greying hair cut short and a grey fedora perched on his head. Grey seemed to be his colour of choice, as he wore darker grey dress pants with a matching coat, a light grey button up shirt, and of all things, a blue on grey tie. He surveyed what remained of the gathering with undisguised glee.   
“William Baggins! It has been so long!” he cried, and swept Bilbo up into a bone-crushing hug. Frodo stared until the man set Bilbo back down. “And you must be Freddie Brandybuck-Baggins!” The man added, and offered a hand for Frodo to shake. He took it tentatively, and the man shook his hand with a gentle grasp.  
“Forgive me for asking,” said Dis, “But who in the seven hells are you?”   
The man chuckled deeply. “I am Gandalf, and Gandalf is me.”   
“Not Gandalf who used to bring such excellent fireworks with him back from his trips abroad?” asked Bilbo.   
Gandalf’s smile dimmed. “I would hope, William Baggins that that is not all you remember of me. Imagine, the son of Isabella Took only remembering me for my fireworks!” He grumbled.   
“I’m terribly sorry, but it has been some time since I last saw you. Perhaps you’d like to come for tea?”   
“I’d love to. In fact, I feel as though I have a few things to speak with you about. Shall we say tomorrow at eight o’clock?”   
“Oh, um, yes. Yes, that should be fine.”   
Gandalf smiled. “Then I shall see you then.” With that final statement, he turned and walked away, leaving a confused Dis and Bilbo ( the others had all left) in his wake.   
***  
Frodo Baggins lay face down on his bed in a daze. He knew the name Gandalf from somewhere, but he wasn’t sure. And the fact that he’d called him Freddie Brandybuck-Baggins! Frodo had been Frodo for as long as he could remember. It was a silly tradition, started by his grandmother-Bilbo’s mother- where they’d combined the nicknames for William Robert, and decided that Billbob didn’t sound quite right. So, Isabella Baggins had called her younger son Bilbo, and her older son Drogo (short for Darren Geoffrey). And when Frodo had been born, Frederick Dixon (after the motorbike racer) became Frodo, or in polite company, like his father’s co-workers, Freddie. So being called Freddie, then that meant that Gandalf had known his dad. And if the old man had known his dad… Well, it left a lot of open doors that Frodo thought he needed to shut.   
In another room, down the hall, Bilbo Baggins lay awake and thought of Thorin Oakenshield. His laugh, his smile, his hair and the way he looked first thing in the morning. Bilbo thought of nights when neither of them slept, how he’d once been able to trace each of Thorin’s tattoos in his sleep. He thought of the noises Thorin made, the way he insisted on cooking breakfast even though he couldn’t cook. They’d been so happy, and then, well, Thorin had made his mistakes, and Bilbo had made his, and all that happiness had been gone.   
Maybe, just maybe, Bilbo had been wrong.   
Maybe, he’d ruined any chance of him having a happily ever after.   
Maybe, a second chance was what they both needed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEY KIDS GUESS WHO'S BACK FROM THE DEAD PLEASE ENJOY THIS PRE-CHRISTMAS MIRACLE (and tell me what u think xox)  
> this is str8 up filler but big G is comin at u hard

Bilbo's relationship with Bofur had really started going down the drain around the same time that Bilbo's brother had died. They were stereotypical siblings- Bilbo was in awe of his big, strong older brother, and Drogo doted on his brother. There were pictures of a thirteen year old Drogo carrying Bilbo around in a hideous orange papoose. Drogo had married young in a family scandal that was never really discussed (he'd gotten very drunk at old Took's birthday party and had a knee-trembler with a third cousin, if you must know, and that cousin had quite literally  _dared_ to get pregnant, can you imagine the shame Lobelia?) and had a son six months later in what was described to Bilbo as a Christmas miracle. But Bilbo had stayed close to his older brother, despite the best attempts of good Samaritans, until Drogo's sudden and unexpected death. (In an almost parallel fashion, his relationship with Thorin had started to end really, when his mother had died, but nobody dared to say so)

Which was why Bilbo was very, very confused at the text message he received Thursday morning, in the middle of his frantic Gandalf related clean up. 

** +44 3069 990848: **   _Bil, m8! ive been lookin 4 ur # evrywhr!! no1 had it! chekd ur house nd u were gone :-( bom and bif new nothin either!! dis said she saw u down her way ysterdy nd lads confirmed- K+f r well grown up now ey? call me asap pls- bof_

Half of Bilbo's confusion stemmed from the fact that he couldn't decipher the message, and the other half stemmed from the fact that his dearest friend was contacting him after three months of radio silence (which was, mostly, because Bilbo wasn't recording or transmitting.) 

"Frodo?" he called, hoping, praying, that the boy had forgiven him (Bilbo had never intended to be a parent, and he struggled often with punishments. He came across more as a friend, tentative and anxious. 

"Yes Uncle?" 

"Can you read text speak?" 

"Yes Uncle." 

Within a few minutes, Frodo was bent over Bilbo's desk, barely sitting in the old leather chair, frantically writing out the message in 'proper english' (Bilbo had gone downstairs, made himself a cup of tea and poured a cup of whiskey into it, all while lamenting his horrible attempts at parenting.)

"I've got it Uncle! Bofur's been looking for your phone number and nobody had it, so he went to your house? (why) and you didn't live there anymore but then Dis- Uncle, did you not tell your friends we were moving here? Did you just stop talking to them?" Frodo, Bilbo noticed, had the same "oh my god he's completely fucking mental I need to stop him before he castrates himself with rusty garden shears" voice as his father- the calm, gentle tones of an Alcoholics Anonymous councillor. 

"Frodo, lad. You need to understand that sometimes- somethimes Uncles are not good with personal connections." Bilbo slurred. 

"Are you drunk? That bloke is coming over tonight and I'm having a minor sexuality crisis and you're getting drunk?" Frodo's voice had now reached the "oh my god, cousin otho shaved his pubic hair into the shape of an arrow down to his intimates" voice his mother used when she was beyond horrified. 

"No, no, no. You worry too much, lad. Far far too much. It's the Baggins, I'm sorry to say. I'd hoped that the Brandybuck and Took would have-" and with that, Bilbo began to cry and cry and cry. 

Frodo was unimpressed (this happened often, especially when uncle Bilbo was drunk (or after sex, something Frodo would not know until he was nineteen and whisked away to accompany his uncles to a bed and breakfast in Wales with the thinnest walls on earth.) 

"Come on Uncle,” he said. “Let’s get you to bed. I’ll clean up and you can, um, sleep this off.” 

***

Three hours later, Bilbo woke up with a clanging headache and a faintly metallic taste in his tongue.   
“Oh dear,” he muttered. “I’ve been crying in front of the lad again.” From downstairs, he heard Frodo laugh at something somebody else said, and the familiar sounds of a mug shattering against the floor. “I do hope he’ll clean that up,” Bilbo thought, as he drifted back off to sleep. 

Downstairs, Frodo was entertaining Gandalf, who was overjoyed at meeting the son of the “late, great and only slightly overweight” Drogo Baggins, and his school principal/possible future step-father, which was bizarre and would feature heavily in the counselling sessions Frodo would need in his mid-twenties. 

“And then, you’ll be proud to know, your uncle took out five of the Gundabad Orcs with a single nudge of that car, and won the Five Armies cup for the school. You were captain that year, weren’t you Thorin?” 

Frodo laughed at the idea of his uncle plowing into a row of football players in a tricked-out mini cooper, but Thorin tensed and dropped his mug. “Oh fuck. Bloody fuck. I am so sorry, here, let me-“ 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got it.” Frodo beamed. 

Everything was going according to plan with Operation Lovenest. Luring in Gandalf had been a total masterstroke. Legolas’s dad friend was so smart. All he needed now was for Bilbo to come wobbling downstairs, hungover and looking pale and sicky, so Thorin would need to rescue him and take him to the doctor and it would be just like that sexy novel his Great Aunt Pricilla hid under the spare bed- Doctors Orders. Although Frodo hoped there would be considerably less tying up and more fawning over their oldest (and adopted) son. He’d let himself run semi-wild with the daydream of having an actual dad-like dad again, one who made stupid jokes and had a hideous beard and didn’t get drunk and cry at four o’clock in the afternoon. Thorin, he had decided, would make an excellent dad (through stories from Fili and Kili and also because his uncle didn’t have the massive under eye bags in the pictures where he was with Thorin.)

They’d baited the hook, dropped it in, and now they just needed to wait for the bite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drogo and primula drowned if u forget   
> also legolas's uncle bard is one of his dad's uni drinking buddies and he had three kids who are as tough as rocks and could probably removed their wisdom teeth without flinching but he calls them all pet names and kisses them good night and checks on them at 3 am because since his wife died he's scared of being alone pls prepare urself for SUPER BEST FRIEND LEGOLAS AND BAIN those nerdlets probably have friendship bracelets and a secret language.


End file.
